Two Pink Lines

*I started writing weekly posts as soon as we found out we were pregnant. They are a collection of thoughts, reactions, happenings, and brain dumps so I apologize for the randomness and less than stellar writing. There may also be details that are a bit TMI, but you know me, I’m an open book 🙂

Last Sunday, per my usual ritual, I woke up at 5:45 to temp. And a few minutes later, our life changed forever.

Last October we finally made the decision to have my IUD removed and get moving on the baby making train. I started charting my cycles to learn about my body, and give us the best shot towards conceiving when the time came.

But October wasn’t good, because if I did get pregnant that month, that would put me due at the very time we would be moving the next Summer. So we decided to wait till the next month, and just be very careful.

But in November, we found out we got Turkey as our assignment. And because the base there doesn’t have the facility to do births, we learned expectant mothers are “stork nested” to Landstuhl, Germany sometime between weeks 34-36. Also because of this, if you are 28 weeks or further along in your pregnancy at the time of your move, they recommend staying where you are (your husband still has to move), giving birth, then flying over later. So we decided to wait till the next month, and just be very careful.

But in December, I ended up going home to North Carolina early in the month, which meant we would miss our chance to “try” while I was gone. So we decided to wait till next month, and didn’t have to be careful.

Then January finally came. By this point, in my mind, I felt like we would never get the chance to actively try. I temped each morning religiously, ate healthy, and prepared in any and every way I could to finally take on the task of trying to conceive.

But when the crucial week was upon us, Will developed cold feet. You see we had been waiting, and wishing and praying for an overseas assignment since before we joined the Air Force. And it had finally been given to us. Now we were going to have that opportunity to really travel and see the world. To have our weekend getaways take us to amazing locales like Italy and Brussels and Copenhagen, instead of going to Spearfish for the Nth time. Everything we had hoped for was in front of us, and a baby would make it very difficult to really live up that dream.

But by this point I had made up my mind. I’m not old, but I will be 29 this year. And call it what you will, but after hearing story after story of friends and strangers having trouble conceiving, and reading how egg quality drops substantially after 30, I felt like time was of the essence.

We had a long discussion, put all our fears out there for each other to recognize, and put to rest. We discussed how we would make a baby fit into our plans however we had to. And then we dove head first into the TTC world.

It’s an odd place to be in life. Something that is generally purely for pleasure becomes almost a job. It’s awkward. And it’s kind of hard to just relax and enjoy it. In fact, we weren’t very good at the TTC game. So we quit. Sort of. Will refused to be on a schedule, and I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t want to conceive our child on a night when neither one of us felt connected or excited about what we were doing. I wanted our child to be conceived out of the love we felt for each other. So we took it as it came, did what we wanted to do.

When I entered the TWW (two week wait), I didn’t feel hopeful. My ovulation date had been tricky to determine, and once it became clear, our timing had really not be optimal. These days home pregnancy tests are so sensitive that some people see positive results as early as 6 days after their ovulation date, but I was determined to wait till a more practical date. I made the decision that I would test at 11 DPO (days past ovulation), it would be a Sunday morning, which made me feel a sense of peace. If it was positive we would have a quiet morning to ourselves to let it soak in, and a whole day to celebrate. Plus Sunday is God’s day, and it just felt right to learn about the miracle might have blessed us with on that day.

That Saturday night as we were picking up take out from a local Mexican restaurant, I told Will I planned to test in the morning.  He asked me if I even had pregnancy tests to use. I laughed and assured him I did.

The next morning when my alarm went off to tell me it was time to temp, I woke from a very vivid dream where I had been at my parents house and had just taken two pregnancy tests that came back positive. As I was waking up, in my dream I had just ran to my mom bursting with excitement and showing her the results. Once my eyes opened and my head cleared I realized it was just a dream, and probably the result of way too many attempts at positive thinking (and a bit of obsessive thinking that seems to take over those TTC). My temp was a little higher, but I wrote it off to the few glasses of wine I had that night before. Then I headed to the bathroom to do my business.

I had a Dollar Store test, and a First Response (the gold standard when it comes to HPT’s). I did the Dollar Store test first, trying to blink the sleep out of my eyes to see it clearly. My heartbeat picked up as I squinted to see if I was crazy thinking there was something there or not. Patience not being my virtue, I ripped open the second test and put it to use. Within 30 seconds on both tests, two pinks lines showed up. Not faint lines. Dark, clear, beautiful, magnificent, miraculous lines. I stood up and noticed I had started shaking a little.

I always wondered what my reaction would be, and hoped that I wouldn’t immediately feel regret or fear. I’m happy to say I didn’t. The more applicable term would be shock.

I walked on shaky legs back into the bedroom, climbed into bed, test in hand, and whispered to Will that he was going to be a dad.

Remember that this was still before 6:00 am on a Sunday morning. He grumbled a bit as he rolled over, and coming to, exclaimed, “What!?” So I told him again, and he responded, “Wait…you’re pregnant??” I laughed and tried to show him the test in the dim light put off by the bathroom.

I took a few minutes to spend by myself. Let the dogs out and of course started googling. I couldn’t help it, but the first few thoughts after being so excited immediately turned to fearing for our baby’s survival. I googled chemical pregnancies, and miscarriages. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed for this sweet little bean to stick. Finally tearing myself away from my phone I went back to bed.

Will slept for another 2.5 hours while I laid there and tossed and turned. He eventually asked me why I wasn’t sleeping and I told him I couldn’t, I was too excited. He asked me what we could do about it right now, and I told him nothing, but that I had a lot to think about.

The next day I went to the base clinic for the blood test. I am so so thankful this is available to us. Thinking about having to wait 6-8 weeks just to have it confirmed by a doctor would have made me crazy. That afternoon they called to tell me it was positive. It was real, although it still didn’t exactly feel real.

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