Fear: A Side Effect of Motherhood

There has been a word in my life lately that I’ve never really spent much time with.

Fear

It’s a weird word now that I type it out and really give it a good look. I’m still trying to understand how it came to own a place in my mind and in my life, but sure enough it’s marked it’s presence through a series of odd situations lately.

It started a few weeks ago while we were at the Spangdahlem Air Force base in Germany. I needed to run into Trier to do a little shopping and it just so happened one of our friends just PCSed there this summer and his wife was looking for something to do besides worry with more unpacking. So she kindly offered to drive. I’ve never been good with directions, but usually our GPS does a great job of keeping me on track. This time however, it wouldn’t pull up the correct address and ended up putting us in a village just over a small mountain from Trier. Once there, magically the correct address worked and we were on our way. Only, it took us on a dirt road…through the woods…where it had been raining for days, if not weeks on end. Before we knew it we were stuck in the mud in her little mazda car. After several attempts I finally conceded there was no hope of getting turned back around and going back the way we came. We had no choice but to continue down the hill in hopes it would eventually flatten out and reach a real road. I took the driver’s seat and down we went. The road became completely washed out, the car was sliding all over the place, and we both were praying that we would not only continue to move so we didn’t get completely stuck and that we would not slide off the side of the bank. I was shaking.

I never panic. I have been crashed into a cement wall doing 80+ on one of the busiest interstates in Charlotte and I didn’t panic. Will was gone for a trial and the entire country of Turkey lost power, and I didn’t panic. It’s not my normal reaction to dire situations. But I panicked during this experience. We had no idea where we were. Even if someone could find us, I’m not sure they could have pulled the car out without waiting for the rain to stop and things to dry up for a few days. I had Aubrey with me and only a limited amount of food. I was terrified.

Miraculously after about 10-15 minutes of literally sliding down the mud bank we did happen upon flatter land and a road that was partially paved. Before we knew it we were in the light of day and back in civilization. The effects of the adrenaline that had coursed through my body caused me to continue shaking, and my lips to remain pursed for nearly an hour afterwards. Thinking about it all now I still cannot believe we made it out of there that easily. I wish we would have taken pictures or videos so we could properly explain what we faced.

A few weeks later we were in Amalfi, in the bed, and a storm came through that rocked the villa and my nerves to no end. I know it’s silly to be an adult and be afraid of a thunderstorm, but I am. Aubrey was sleeping in one of the rooms that was the foremost facing room in the entire villa. With every crack of lightening and boom of thunder I envisioned the noise scaring her awake, and I was just waiting for the shuttered door/window in her room to bust open with the wind and rain and storm’s fury rushing in at her. The power went out and I immediately rushed downstairs to make sure she was ok, that her white noise was still playing, and praying she would somehow sleep through it all. Which she did. I however, got little to no sleep.

On a bigger scale, I have to admit I’m a little fearful of the coming year for us as a family. It’s no secret that Turkey is not a great place to be at the moment, so we face a very tough decision. It’s possible that Aubrey and I, and the dogs, could move back to the states until Turkey is deemed safe again, or until we PCS or move back permanently. The next two months will come with a great impact on our direction in life. Will will either get a job back home or he won’t. We will either get an assignment overseas or in the states. And we will either spend the next 8 months apart, or occasionally together between Will’s work trips. Normally I am able to accept the multiple directions our life could go with ease, but this time Aubrey is in the picture and it changes things. Me and the dogs going home for an extended period of time is one thing, but taking a young child away from her father, who she already barely gets to see, at a time in her life where she is growing and developing by leaps and bounds…is terrifying to me. It’s the last thing I want for our little girl, and unfortunately we don’t really have much better options.

It’s taken me a while to realize all the impacts of having Aubrey in our lives now, in fact I know I still don’t comprehend all of them, but fear is definitely one of them. It’s not fear for myself or my life, but rather for this little life that I’m now responsible for. It’s crept up on me out of nowhere, without me realizing the underlying cause until this very instant. What a great and powerful thing to be charged with the upbringing and care of a precious little soul, but man, what a huge responsibility!

I’ll end this with a written prayer extended to all of you mothers out there. We face so many challenges on a daily basis, but I know I have been asking God to help guide me through this confusing and seemingly impossible time in our lives, and to give me the courage to be what Aubrey needs me to be to help her through it as well. I pray he does that for you and whatever fearful circumstances you are faced with in your own lives.

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