A friend posted this quote from The King and I tonight on Facebook (why is all my inspiration coming from Facebook these days??), and while it’s applicable to her situation because she just made the very long trek back to the states from Turkey to the big beautiful big apple to finish school, it struck me in a different way.
Although I sometimes hate to give my own self credit, the fact is, living the military life, being stationed overseas, dealing with your husband being gone more than he is home, all while trying to raise and mother (those are two very different things I’ve learned) a very young child…is brave. I’m not writing this to toot my own horn, stick with me here, but my thought when I read that quote was…
Do I want to be brave?
Most of the time I feel like I act without truly thinking about the situation I’m in. It’s mostly because I don’t have a choice. This is our life, and I have to make of it what I will. But lately, those actions have been made with this underlying whining in my soul. It’s not quite the 3 year old whining because he’s tired and over being dragged through Home Depot, but it’s definitely along the lines of your BFF that can’t get over her ex and proceeds to talk endlessly about how he used to smell. Which is possibly even more annoying.
I don’t know if this internal whining leech makes itself visible to the outside world, but tonight was the first time I’ve actually acknowledged it.
The problem is, sometimes I get tired of being brave.
One of our close friends once told me that he never worried about me because I was “tough enough.” What I was tough enough for then is entirely different than now, but the idea still applies. It’s not my personality to be dependent and needy. But the truth is, sometimes I want to be.
Sometimes I want my husband to take me in his arms and make everything ok. Sometimes I don’t want to have to step up to the responsibility that has landed on my shoulders. Sometimes I want to cry and whine over the injustices that come with being a military wife (or member if we’re being honest). Sometimes life feels like too much…and I just don’t want to have to be brave, or tough enough, to deal with it.
It’s a choice you know. To be brave. To put on a smile. To look on the positive.
I never quite understood the motivation people found in their child’s faces until I looked in my own daughter’s and smiled when all I wanted to do was cry. Because the truth is I am her world right now, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it a good and happy one no matter what our circumstances are.
So until the day when Will comes home each night, when family is not SO far away, when there isn’t war in our back yard, and when technology isn’t the only thing keeping those we love so much in close contact, I will be brave.
For those that offer prayers to the military folks out there, my requests for you tonight would be to pray that the bad times are short, and the good times are long. For safe travels and forgiving hearts. For courage, strength and most of all peace and acceptance. And please know, while this life is indeed hard, we do still love it. Most of us made the choice to be here. It doesn’t mean we choose the hardships involved, but we all have our reasons for being exactly where we are.
Sending my love to all the spouses out there making it work, loving from afar, and being brave…whether you want to or not.